One bright sunny day, Tommy decided to go to china for a holiday. He asked his mother first. Then his mothers agree because he passes his test paper. After he asked, his father bought him to the airport. He went to the counter to buy the ticked with his passport. Tommy decided to buy seven o’clock ticket in the night. He went to the shop and he brought some tidbits. After buying, he went into the airplane.
When he reached China, he called his parent that he had arrived. He went to the hotel that he had booked. He went in and he packed his thing neatly. One day, China had a war. Tommy quickly rushed out of the hotel and he rushed to a cave. Suddenly, he found a ring. He wears it. After he wears it, a god appears. Tommy had a shock. The god told Tommy about the ring. The god explained to Tommy how to use it. When he knows how to use it, he quickly wants back to the hotel and he tried to use it. “It really works” said Tommy. He keeps using that way and the wars ends. He had saved all the people in China and everyone was very glad of him.
He went back to the cave and returns the ring back to the god. He was very glad that he could use the ring to save all the peoples again.
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11 comments:
Umm Ken you might want to know
your mistake so ill tell u Then his mothers agree because he passes his test paper. After he asked, his father bought him to the airport. He went to the counter to buy the ticked with his passport. Tommy decided to buy seven o’clock ticket in the night. He went to the shop and he brought some tidbits. After buying, he went into the airplane.
IT should be EG.
Then his mother agreed because he passed his test paper. After he asked, his father bought him to the airport. He went to the counter to buy the ticket with his passport. Tommy decided to buy at seven o’clock in the night. He went to the shop and he brought some tidbits. After buying, he went into the airplane.
SORRY I DIDNT WRITE MY NAME ON THE LAST COMMENT KEN AND ALL IM FROM SATRIA
Dear Satria,
I love reading your comment. Good job! This is what I want. You helping your friends by giving them examples on how to improve and pointing out what are the mistakes.. :-)
Well Done!!
Ms Safiah
your mistake is that your lines are short and its quite boring(sorry to say that)and you should discribe the plane like EG:the green plane or the plane that could fly like a hawk.You know rry to discribe the noun or thing and this sentence is different
EG:Then his mothers agree because he passes his test paper. After he asked, his father bought him to the airport. He went to the counter to buy the ticked with his passport. Tommy decided to buy seven o’clock ticket in the night. He went to the shop and he brought some tidbits. After buying, he went into the airplane.
It should be then his mother agreed because he passed his test paper.After he asked,his father bought......you see some of your words don't have past tense.Remember i a story like this always used past tense ok anyway you did a good job well done
well Ken, a nice story but a lot of mistakes.......
EG:Then his (mothers) (agree) because he passes his test paper. After he asked, his father (bought) him to the airport. He went to the counter to buy the (ticked) with his passport. Tommy decided to buy (seven o’clock ticket in the night). He went to the shop and he (brought) some tidbits.
after it is being changed,it will look like this:
Then, his mother agreed because he passed his test paper. After he asked, his father brought him to the airport. He went to the counter to buy the ticket with his passport. Tommy decided to buy a seven o’clock flight ticket. He went to the shop and he bought some tidbits.
well, anyway that was a very pleasant story.....:)......XD
kp up wth ur gd wrk!!!
Nur Syahirah
good story.
-Zeeshan
Good comments made by your friends. Did you take note of that? You can make the changes into the Project folder, all right?
One more thing. China is a name of a country. So it should be in capital letter. :-)
It is a bit boring(not certainly)so you should try describing..like,the plane can fly like an eagle!/Tommy saw a very shiny/beautiful ring.But don't be sad you have done a great job. -Minjun
It is a wonderful story.
Elaine
One day, China had a war. Tommy quickly rushed out of the hotel and he rushed to a cave.
i felt this is weird. how did you know that there is a a cave? and why must you write one day?
thank you for all the comments
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