All Saturday, Hussein and Aisha were so excited they could think of nothing else. Their parent had promise to take them to the funfair! They was so excited and happy because that was the first time they go to the funfair.
The next day, when they reached the funfair. They were so happy that they forgot what they going to play and they play. They play the Dunking machine first and next they play separately and they both get lost.
Their parent was so worried about them and they cannot look for them but they did tried and tried again and then they remember that they said to their parent and to find them at where they start. At last they find them.
10 comments:
can you please write your story longger next time. It's too short.
Mystery Guy=Aiman
your story is too short write it longer but its nice
boring. to short
Jing Yi, here are my comments and for you to make changes and upload your story again.. :-)
My comments WOULD BE IN CAPITAL LETTERS.
Do continue to write as I can see a lot of improvements in your writings.. :-)
1st para:-
Their PARENTS had PROMISED to take them to the funfair! They WERE so excited and happy because that was the first time they WERE GOING
2ND PARA:-
They were so happy that they forgot what they WERE going to play. They PLAYED the Dunking Machine first and next they PLAYED separately and they both GOT lost.
3RD PARA:-
Their PARENTS WERE so worried about them AS they COULD NOT FIND them. They tried and tried again and then they REMEMBERED that they HAD TOLD THE KIDS to find them at where they STARTED. At last they FOUND them.
General Comments:-
Your storyline is there. You just need to be careful with your sentences. Do not be in a hurry. Do be careful with your tenses. Do not forget to write in past tense. :-)
Do come and see me to ask if you are not sure.. :-)
the story was nice.nicer if longer!
the story was nice .nicer if longer
i agree its short
satria
your story is nicer...nicer if it's longer
the most shortest story
hanif
quiet short
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